How to be a Mitzvah Mensch - Yom Kippur 5771/2010

Two friends meet after they haven’t seen each other in twenty five years.

Harry starts talking about himself and doesn’t stop for a half hour.

His friend David says “Harry, we haven’t spoken in 25 years, you go on and on about yourself…aren’t you going to ask about me?

Harry considers and says “Your right! How are you?”

David answers “Oy, Don’t ask!”

Of course, when things are difficult, we do need to ask, we do need to support each other, and we need to respond with gemilut hassadim, deeds of lovingkindess. That is the focus of today’s “how to” talk: “How to be a Mitzvah Mensch,” they type of kind, caring, decent person that was the role model in every traditional Jewish community.

In fact, the following Talmudic selection is recited daily as part of the traditional morning service (Read on Handout):

“These are the things whose fruits you will enjoy in your lifetime, while the principle is yours eternally: Honoring father and mother, deeds of lovingkindness, early attendance at the house of study morning and evening, hospitality to guests, visiting the sick, providing for a bride, escorting the dead, devotion in prayer, bringing peace between one another—and the study of Torah is equal to them all, (because it leads to them all.)”

The passage is recited every day because these mitzvoth of gemilut hassadim, deeds of lovingkindess, are the building blocks of community. The Talmud understands that we reap tangible emotional benefits for ourselves by doing these mitzvoth, while not diminishing our heavenly reward for them, so to speak. Or another interpretation might be that we enjoy the fruits of these mitzvoth now but those in the future will benefit from the strong and thriving community that we have built with our deeds. And I believe we are well on our way at CBI, but we can always do more. These mitzvoth “have not limit.”

This mensch training is an integral part of Jewish education. Our Religious School’s Bet Class, taught by Lisa Rappaport, is focusing this year on “Menschlichkeit,” how to be a good person. They are doing good deeds for the congregation and for others, so be on the lookout for their special projects all year.

In fact, gemilut hassadim, deeds of lovingkindness are considered on a high level than even tzedakah, charity. Why? The Talmud explains that tzedakah can only be carried out by giving money, whereas kindness involves giving of one’s person, by a thoughtful gesture or by offering words of comfort and consolation. Tzedakah is directed to the poor, while kindness involves the expression of goodwill to all, and certainly the rich may need human kindness and care as much as the poor. Finally, tzedakah is given to the living. Kindness can be extended to the dead by observing all the traditions of mourning.

But in the words of Rabbi Louirs Jacobs: In reality the difference is one of disposition. The charitable person may give as an obligation imposed from without; his generosity may stem solely from his sense of duty. Benevolence, on the other hand, comes from within, from the compassionate heart. As the old Jewish saying has it: “Charity awaits the cry of distress. Benevolence anticipates the cry of distress.”

But some of these mitzvoth are challenging. I’d like to look at a few of them with you this morning. Let’s start with Hachanassat Orchim, Hospitality. Welcoming the stranger, the newcomer, the visitor, is a very important synagogue function that keeps our community growing and flourishing. I always try to make time for people to greet one another at some point during our service. But there is much more to the mitzvah than that. Have you ever been to a different synagogue, where you were the visitor or the newcomer? How did you feel? Even I, as a rabbi, as someone completely familiar with Jewish ritual, often feel a trifle awkward when I visit another synagogue. So I try to imagine coming in as someone new to this synagogue, perhaps someone who has never even been in a synagogue before and finds it all very new and puzzling. I get my best lessons in this when I have occasion to visit synagogues in other cities.

Once I sat down next to some people at a synagogue in the Bay Area. They got up and moved! I felt like maybe I needed “dial.” I’m sure that they were just going to sit with friends, but, it would have been better for them to introduce themselves and ask me to join them. I’ve heard rumors of times when newcomers came to our congregation and didn’t feel welcomed, but I hope that those are long in the past. Still we want to do more than just say hello and greet people. Let’s converse with people, get to know them, and even better get their number and invite them over so that they can become part of our congregational family.

And not to bring up the subject of food too directly on Yom Kippur, but one of the great ways to do the mitzvah of hospitality in our community is by volunteering to personally prepare an Oneg or kiddush during the year. You will be creating a warm and welcoming atmosphere that makes people want to stay and get to know one another after our services. It needn’t be elaborate and it’s really quite fun, but we don’t want all the responsibility for this wonderful community tradition to fall on just a handful of hardworking volunteers. Please consider doing this important community mitzvah this year, fill out that form we sent in your membership packet or just let Liz in our office know when you can do it.

Hadarat Pnai Zaken: Honoring the Elders: Our Elders and Sages are the treasures of our community. They have so much to share and so much guidance and perspective to offer us. This year we are hoping to match up some of our religious school families with their “Bubbie Buddies,” so that they can do more than our annual bringing of baskets of goodies on Purim but will stay connected throughout the year. Our Sunshine and Mitzvot committee is also looking for volunteers to visit, assist, and give rides to some of our older seniors. Both of these are great mitzvoth for us to do for our elders.

Now we get to some of the harder menshlich mitzvoth. Bikur Holim: “Visiting the sick is one of the most important mitzvoth. Visiting the sick is in emulation of the Almighty’s own actions, when God visited Abraham after his circumcision in Genesis Ch. 18. ..It is said that one who visits the sick removes a sixtieth of the patient’s illness.” (Bikur Cholim CC website).

But visiting the sick can be difficult for some. Illness makes some of us uncomfortable, perhaps because it reminds us of our own vulnerability. But mostly we want to do the right thing; however, at times we are not sure how to go about it. What do we say? What do we do? The same thing applies when someone dies. We know that we should get in touch, visit, help out. But we feel so awkward and bereft of words.

Here’s the main secret of being a mitzvah mensch. It’s not about having magic words to say. It’s about Hineni—“here I am,” just being there for one another. Believe me, even the rabbi doesn’t always have the immediate best thing to say. But your presence, your listening ear, your open heart and willingness to help are more important than knowing some special verbal formula. In fact, we are more likely to stumble when we try to say the perfect words. Just call up and say, “I’m sorry to hear about what you’ve been going through. Would a visit be welcome today (or set a time)? Or would you like to chat on the phone today?”

Whether visiting the sick, visiting elders, comforting the mourner, or just being a mensch, listening skills are important. Stop multitasking and just listen to people’s stories, experiences, and needs. Even someone who is ill or limited in their abilities to get out will often like to share memories and reminiscences, talk about current events or hear what is going on in the community. We can learn to ask open ended, not yes-or-no questions.

But when offering to help, we can and should be more proactive. We often say something vague like “let me know if there’s anything I can do.” When my Mom was ill, some of her friends said that to me. They didn’t know that I am the type who would send them a detailed list of 10 things that they could do to help. But most people with an illness in the family are not that assertive, so ask instead what would be most helpful: Arranging some meals, driving the kids, spending some time with the patient so you can get out? Or tell them what you would like to do to help and ask if that’s all right.

http://bikurcholimcc.org/ is a Bikur Holim website that has a tremendous amount of material on how to be a good visitor to the ill and do the mitzvah of bikur holim. One of the great tips that I got from this website was, “Seven ways of asking ‘How are you?’” from Rabbi Simkha Y. Weintraub, LCSW. He writes: “Simply asking ‘How are you?’ may not convey your authentic personal interest and invite an honest, expressive response. Some people who are suffering have criticized this common question because it doesn’t seem to acknowledge the very different course their life has taken—and can encourage automatic expected answers such as ‘I’m OK’ or ‘Fine, thanks,’ which may not be a sincere reply or convey the whole story. [Here] are some suggested alternatives.

1. How are you doing with all of this?

2. How are your spirits?

3. How are you hanging in?

4. What do you need the most, right now?

5. What’s helping you get through this?

6. What’s been on your mind as you try to cope with all of this?

7. What are some of the obstacles to your managing/coping?

Our congregant Helene Ginsberg, who is a social worker, shared a really good one with me: “How is today?” or “How is today going for you?”

Finally the mitzvah of nihum avelim, comforting the mourners, is one of the most honored mitzvoth in Jewish traditions. But often we don’t know what to say. Dr. Ron Wolfson gives us the following suggestions when making a shivah call: “What do you say? The tradition suggests being silent, allowing the mourner to open the conversation. Simply offering a hug, a kiss, a handshake, an arm around the shoulder speaks volumes. If you do want to open a conversation, start with a simple “I’m so sorry” or “I don’t know what to say. This must be really difficult for you” or “I was so sorry to hear about _______.” Be sure to name the deceased. Why? Because one of the most powerful ways to comfort mourners is to encourage them to remember the deceased. Recall something personal: “I loved _______. Remember the times we went on vacation together? She adored you so much.” Do not tell people not to cry or that they will get over it. Crying is a normal part of the grieving process. And, as most people who have been bereaved will tell you, you never “get over” a loss, you only get used to it.”

Most people will not expect you to say some magic words, just to be caring. In fact, too much interpretation is usually unwelcome, as when people make glib comments like, “it’s a blessing in disguise,” “he’s in a better place,” or “G-d never gives us more than we can handle.” These are theological interpretations that the mourner has to decide for him or herself in the course of time.

Dr. Alan Wolfet, an expert on grief counseling, writes about the importance of “companioning” vs. “treating” those in mourning. He says, “Companioning is about walking alongside, it is not about leading. Companioning is about being still; it is not about frantic movement forward. Companioning is about discovering the gifts of sacred silence; it is not about filling every painful moment with words.

Companioning is about listening with the heart; it is not about analyzing with the head. Companioning is about being present to another person’s pain; it is not about taking away the pain.”

We are blessed with so many wonderful Mitzvah Menches in our community. I have invited two of our resident Mitzvah Mensches to share their experiences with us today and offer us more insight on how to grow in our mitzvos. First we will have comments from:

Keren Carter, our CBI Ritual Chair, on the Hevra Kaddishah. Keren is also a rabbinic student with the ALEPH Rabbinic program.

Then Loretta Steinke will speak for the Sunshine & Mitzvot Committee (chaired by Sue Mintzes who is out of town). Loretta is also someone who just excels at visiting and caring for people, now a volunteer with Butte Home Health and Hospice

Conclusion: May this year set us on the path to being a Lamed-Vav community as I spoke of on Rosh Hashanah Eve. May we all merit to grow in our mitzvoth and menshlichkeit, to do gemilut hassadim, deeds of lovingkindess for one another, and to flourish as a caring community, companioning one another through all the joys and sorrows of life. Amen.